What’s in a name?
To me, I have had the title of Lionheart since I was 13 - I got it from having an obsession with Final Fantasy VIII. Since then I have molded my entire being around it, and with each change in my life, I have renamed my title as a mental tool to help me cope with change and other harsh events that take place in my life. It’s really fucking weird, but I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say “Yeah, I have a fucking stupid ass way of working through things.”
Lionheart was the base iteration - I didn’t have any online commitments or cliques. I was just some nerdy highschool kid who loved games and hanging out with the few friends he had. With much to experience and life ahead of him. I was bullied a lot, so I came up with the entire persona as a form of meta cognition and was able to reform a lot of the negativity received into something more positive.
Neo-Lionheart; The second iteration. I was in a stage in my life, coming out of highschool, no career path, so I decided I’d forge my own way. I was doing well. I became National Champion for a beloved game. I was respected by my peers. I had lost a fair amount of weight. I was a happy person. I took no shit from anyone! People quite often misread my intentions - they always thought my actions were to do harm and to bring nothing but negativity, which is further from the truth. Sometimes, I admit, tunnel vision was totally a factor, but I had never wanted bad stuff to happen to anyone!
Lionheartex; The third iteration. This is what happens when a good man goes to war. With himself and those around him. My victories had put me on top - in several competitive gaming communities and my professional life - and with that came the hate of those who were not able to stand on my level. I was partially to blame - I was (and probably still am to an extent) unwilling to go back to a stage in which I had already surpassed them to see things from their perspective. This made me much more arrogant than I intended but also much more wary of people in general - it was a two way streak; people were assholes, and in turn, I distanced myself rather than try and change their minds like I used to.
I also lost a dear friend - she committed suicide. It sucked. It really sucked. It shattered whatever little positive view I had of the world. Since then it’s been downhill - I hate people more and more each day and seemed to have buried the finer qualities of myself. I am willing to admit some of the blame here - but on the other side of the coin, people are completely unreasonable. The whole bit about people thinking the worst about me in the previous paragraph? It’s gone from one or two actions, to everyone just thinking I am an outright evil asshole, even when I am CLEARLY doing the right thing by everyone.
All this has led to a severe amount of depression and anxiety. I always thought wanting to commit suicide, the feeling of it, would be absolutely mind consuming and harrowing, but for me, it’s been as simple as waking up and thinking “I don’t want to live” - yet the only thing keeping me alive is the guilt of knowing what I’d do to people who actually do care about me and do the right thing by me… and I know what it would do to them - because she did it to me, and another close friend of mine!
I wear the title of ‘Lionheartex’ like a king would wear a crown. I was proud of everything I had done, especially after so much hatred sent my way as a kid. I can’t even have that without assholes getting on my back though. As such, maybe it’s time I reverted to Neo-Lionheart. Sure it won’t be exactly the same, but if I emulate the mindsets and attitudes, maybe I can become a new ‘Lionheartex’ in the long run.
I don’t get it. I finally was able to show everyone that I am not a waste of space, and everyone hated me for it. It’s time to reform and regroup - if they’re going to hate me for being me, then I can’t change that. What I can change is how I perceive the world, and now I am going to jump off my throne, back into the fray, and show everyone precisely why…
…Why I am going to become the King!